


Lunchtime

by banteroftherats



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), The Hotdaga - Fandom
Genre: Biting, Food Porn, I Don't Even Know, I FULLY HATE MYSELF AND I JUST WANT THE GRIM REAPER TO TAKE ME AWAY, I NEVER WANT TO SEE THIS AGAIN, I'm Going to Hell, M/M, Ugh, Vore, cronch kink, god help me, i blame jesus, i dont want to do this, i hate vore, im sinning, mother nut arrives, thanks discord, why am I doing this, why did this get a plot halfway through
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-09-02
Updated: 2018-12-23
Packaged: 2019-07-06 00:02:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 3
Words: 1,956
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15874425
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/banteroftherats/pseuds/banteroftherats
Summary: : (





	1. Chapter 1

 

Ryan had thought this would be a normal day. Do some work, and then go back home. A simple, average, normal, not-weird-at-all-day.

Clearly, he thought wrong. He was on the floor, naked, staring at the giant, giant peach in front of him. His face was stained blue, although the colour was slowly melting off. It was possibly sweating, all the delicate peach hairs on end. His thick eyebrows were narrowed, and his lips were tight.

"Are you ready?" Joblet murmured, his voice a sexy purr.

"Y-yes! Make me...make me..." Ryan's voice was drowned out by his sudden moaning. Joblet had slowly started licking him, starting from his face and going down to his chest.

"Is that good?" Joblet rumbled, making Ryan nod passionately.

Ryan heard footsteps from outside the basement. But Joblet had already started. It was too late.

_Make them come if they want to._ Ryan mused to himself. _My love for Joblet will never stop._

"Hey, what's going on here?"

And that was how Shane had first seen his best friend, closest companion, **COMRADE** , being slowly eaten by a sexy, sexy peach.

"Oh my..." Shane said wispily. 

Ryan stared his friend right in the eye, forcing himself to keep a straight face. But god was it not possible. He felt Joblet's tongue caress his toes one by one, and Ryan coiled forward into Joblet's mouth. 

"Ryan, listen...I want to join you. I made Joblet to be the most acclaimed, beautiful, sexy character. But..." Shane fell to his knees dramatically, hiding his face. "It didn't work. Everyone hates him." Shane looked back at his friend with a tearstained face. "I just don't know what went wrong, Ryan. But if I sacrifice myself to him...they'll like him. I know they will."

Ryan was halfway through Joblet's mouth, from the waist out. Suddenly, he lunged forward, arms outstretched. "Shane...hold on."

"RYAN NO! LOOK WHAT YOU'RE DOING TO HIM!" Shane yelled, stepping back.

Joblet was coughing wildly, his leaves drooping and graying.

Ryan went back inside his haven, but it was too late. Joblet was dying.

"Joblet, please..." Ryan turned to face his lover, tearing up. "Just let us both go..."

Joblet inhaled one last time, biting down on Ryan. Instantly Ryan screamed, his upper half springing to the other side of the room while is beautiful, beautiful legs were forever stuck inside his recently deceased lover.

"NO!" Ryan crawled forward, and at first it seemed like he was talking about his legs. But, as Shane soon learned, he was proven wrong.

"Ryan, it's not that bad." Shane walked forward, patting his friend on the back...since that was the one place left. "I can give you my legs. And everything near them as well :)."

Ryan growled, clawing at Shane with his fingers. "I don't give a fuck about my legs. I want Joblet back."

Shane slowly stood up, looking at his comrade.

"I thought you'd appreciate it." Shane said cooly. "I was wrong."

He walked to the other side of the room, opening the door. And like some sort of evil villain in a movie, he looked behind his shoulder with a withering glare.

"Have fun crawling back, or even reaching the doorknob, you miserable torso."

Ryan looked in desperation for a second, and a very short one at that, as Shane slammed the door shut.

Ryan had only one option left.

He slowly turned back to his dead lover's corpse, crawling back into its mouth. It was slowly becoming colder, reminding Ryan that Joblet was, in fact, dead.

"Just...possess me. I want to prove Shane wrong in every way possible." Ryan growled.

A moment.

And then all the wind was knocked out of his lungs.

Ryan could see, but that was all. He tried to move his hand up, but he felt a stronger force prevent him from doing so.

 

 

_"I have possessed you, my dear. Now let's get our revenge."_


	2. holy FUC K IM GONNA KILL AO3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> ive been trying to post this for the past week and then ao3 got back to me and told me the only reason i couldn't post it was because i put fucking emojis in it dsjhbdsbhdbhdc

ryan bergara, ot as hes called now, jobergara, fuckin crawled on the wall like a demented spidermann fhcker and opend the door

"not a useless troso anymore,, hmmmmm shane madei???" jobergara mbmblered to himself

he crawled over the staircase baclwards because why the fuckle not,,, it's like 10pm i van make everyone higy if i wanna

he finally reached the water-red door and kicked it open with his phantom toes

"where is that rat fu uuuu c c cs" jobergara mewoed

"oh hei dad" brent trent nyad at the corpse, seemingly unbothered by the fuckign demengted blue peach ryan bergara steven-unibverse0lookingn fuck fusinn

jobergara just yeeted him awya becuase other than useless-ass shitfeesh who the fuckle cares ab out briant triant

uhhhh hold on i need to do a google dearxh on other buttfeey employes 

umm there someone called fuxking john johnson?? i hope this is a hekign joke im gonna lose ot

oh yeah for some reason the try’s guy were there cause evrryone wrotes them in fanfics too despite them not being assassinated by butterfeed, toure doing great sweeties

joberhara bit into nad’s arm and tjen vored him hently 

“blood rhimes with ned” he said as he was devouured 

so uh after that he ate the others and also the garbage can where the rest of buzzfeed was sitting

he came actoss a white-haired looking mofo, like that old man from upp and uh he kinda said “oh fuck you” and just threw him in a random fire cause he was too gross for vore.

“see. my love, if we share our love we can uhhh fuxkign fire fire woohoo” joblets crusty seductive voice said inside ryans noggin

“my knickerbockers are kneeling before you daddy insert emojis here” said another worth it dude idk i don’t watch thag thing

“then come forrward” joblet bang banged into the room

“ok haha” worth it thing #2 chortled

and then was his end

anyways on the other side of the studyo or uh building,,,, thing,,,, shane madej was causally eating an uncooked corn

“the drastic measures i go through to make everyone appreciate the hotdaga.” he shooketh his weave madly “alas to no available”

a single thought ran through shane madej’s mind, like a wild dr goondis on the run. 

*“you’re a lonely ass fuck go get ur dumbass 3’1 friend*”

“you know what? i shalt do so.” be said fanfifukly in a fancy way

he yeeted to the other side of the room in a second, as, unbeknownst to everyone else, he had secret heelys. so as he heelyed down the stairs, he went a little too fast (so fast that sonikku and lighteen mckeen were quacking!!!!) so he accidentally heelyed himself out of the window and fell on the sidewalk. but since he was a dumbass/demon, he didn’t take any fall damage. dude pass me those feather falling diamond boots thank u

suddenly, a demonic satan spawn (no, not shane) crawled into the sunlight. his face was streaked with uhhh meaty red as gorgeous as flex tape.

“what the fuxk” shane pontificated

“i’m gonna fucking vore you” jobletgara or wjatever the fuc k his name was said

“haha you dumb dipshit” shane guffaweded

“what????” roblet whooped

shand clickity clackled his finger nips and they were teleported to the edge of hell cause uh why not

jobjob walked back, hissing, until he swung over the side of the cliff. digging his fingers into the ricks, he looked up at sans and yodelled “help.”

shane instinctively grabbed jobergara’s hand. he examined his friend’s face, and for a second it seemed as if his good old comrade was back to normal that second, that one short second. fear traced every inch of his face, and shane felt a pang of regret and pain.

then, he gently sighed, and smiled at ryan.

“goodbye you dumbass peech-fucker shitty bang fuck”

and ryan fell deep into the pits of hell.


	3. aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> p I S s S s S s S

jobergara was falling.

as soon as shane let go, with his triumphant smirk, he had realised his fate.

was he already dead?

no. 

not yet, at least. but he would be, soon.

spikes of red and crackling fire moved past him, floating platforms hanging from nothing. they grew smaller as he fell until they completely vanished. it was only a matter of time.

jobergara closed his eyes. 

and he fell into his soulmate's arms.

it was a sky blue plupple, tiny and small compared to every other. scaly wings grew out of its back grotesquely, as did two coal-black horns. he had two skinny-ass noodle arms and some lit, thick legs.

his beady eyes stared at jobergara, a small, helpless creature. it was somewhat humanlike, except for the random splotches of blue that seemed to be painted on. it was covered in blood, most of it its own.

the plupple, smeech, sighed. he tightened his grip around jobergara, and flew into the sky. he had plans. important plans.

* * *

 

shane madej clpped his hands wildly, woohooing as he yeeted his fursuit's head on. it was a rainbow rat, with large feathered ears. it was his own creation, something he had made. he felt proud.

buzzfeed was a failure. it was failing without good boy bergara and...90% of the now-dead company, which had been eaten by him. it had to be sold to a furry company, which had demolished the headquarters to make room for furry convention spaces. and in a way, it was liberating. the remaining employees had decided to find work in other places, but shane had embraced the furry lifestyle. what else was he supposed to do? go out and set people on fire, like a stupid plebeian? absolutely not.

shane stepped out of his room, smiling as he walked past sara. she looked tired.

"i'll eb back after the con :))" shane said cheerfully.

she didn't respond to the large rat in the middle of her room. she just shook her head.

shane yeehawed his way into his horse-led wagon. he took out his iphone and messaged the group chat.

_**sans** : hey is everyone coming to the con?_

_**jesus** : of course :)_

_**komaeda** : jesus please stop using :) it is very distressing_

_**jesus** : aw h*ck_

_**shane** : im coming_

_**jesus** : yay :D_

_**sans** : cool beans_

_**komaeda** : hell yeah funky rat buddy uwu_

_**jesus** : why must you discriminate against :) and :D but not against uwu and owo_

_**komaeda** : i believe in uwu and owo rights, :) and :D are true sins of the devil. those belong to normies. not furries like us._

shane put his phone away and smacked the horses. his friends were so funny and ridiculous. ha. ha.

* * *

 

jobergara woke up with his head on fire. not literally, but...he was in hell. so, not too far off.

he looked up to see a large plupple, slightly demonic. maybe a little bit evil. 

"are you okay?" the plupple said softly.

"i..." jobergra muttered as he crawled backwards, a throbbing pain in his fifth foot. "not...not really. i mean, i'm in hell."

"don't worry. you aren't in danger."

"i'm currently in hell."

"but you're safe."

"i am also in hell."

"fair enough."

the plupple flexed its wings. "i won't hurt you."

jobergara blushed a deep red. "well, uh, thanks."

the plupple smiled at this.

"my name's smeech. some people call me satan."

"oh. well, um, i'm jobergara."

"weird, you look familiar. i've met a lot of people but..."

jobergara shrugged. "maybe it's one of those other people. i'm sure i haven't met you before."

"yes, probably..." smeech said. "well, anyway. i have to go to...an important place."

jobergara paused.

"can i come?"

smeech's beady eyes grew wide. "i, uh...i mean, of course you can. but, you don't have the proper attire, do you?"

"i don't care. i want to come anyway."

"...alright."

**Author's Note:**

> i honestly didn't think this would have a plot and i really wished it didnt but somehow it did and im about to cry
> 
> save me


End file.
